Thanks for stopping by. I hope you enjoy what you find here. Whilst you may not agree with everything I post, if you respect my right to my opinion I'll respect your right to disagree with it and we should get along just fine. :)

Disclaimer: the views expressed by the characters in these works may not necessarily represent the views of the author. Got that? Good.

Right then, on with the blog...

Wednesday, 23 December 2009

#FridayFlash: Little Johnny's Bike

It seems to me there's something about the festive season which brings out the worst in people, at least as far as shopping is concerned. I do wonder whether Scrooge might not have had the right idea!

The sight of a very large man at our local supermarket doing his level best to sell an equally huge Christmas tree to a very small man (with no transport) for whom it was obviously too large, and not taking no for an answer, provided the initial inspiration for my #fridayflash for this week, which I'm posting early as I'm not sure how much time I'm going to have over the next few days as the juggernaut that is a family Christmas rolls inexorably towards me.

The Christmas tree seller got me thinking, and I began to wonder what would happen if Santa had a complaints department...

Sent: Friday, December 25, 2009 8:32 AM

From: IamJohn1
Subject: Listen up Santa Claus,
I wanted a bike, not something with paws

Hey Santa Claus, you arsehole,
where's my flamin' bike?
I've been extra good this whole year long
and I told you what I'd like.

The puppy's very nice an' all
but it's shitting on the rug,
and Mum's just shouted, 'Bugger it!'
'cos it's drinking from her mug.

I hope this message reaches you.
It really, really must,
'cos as far as little me's concerned,
There's been a serious breach of trust.

So get your fat red arse in gear,
those bloody reindeers too,
and swap this puppy for my bike,
Really Santa, do!

It's not quite all doom and gloom however, I'm leaving you with my favourite Christmas song of all time, 'Santa's a Scotsman.'

If you enjoy it, please consider buying the MP3, which is available here.

And finally, for those of my readers with young children, don't forget to check out Norad Tracks Santa on Christmas Eve for real time tracking of Santa's progress around the globe.

Merry Christmas!



phonelady said...

Oh sam I thought I was the only one who tracked santa .LOL !!! Merry christmas my uk friend.

Laura Eno said...

Cute! And you write poetry as well...
I do hope for that puppy's sake that Santa gets his arse in gear and makes the switch pronto!
Merry Christmas to you!

Tony Noland said...

Nice. I know some kids like that, although they wouldn't be patient enough to put their complaints into verse.

Well done.

Anne Tyler Lord said...

Very Cute! I'm sure many families actually feel this way, but only about dogs, not cats, right? My furniture would say differently.

Like the song, too! Have a Merry Christmas!

Eric J. Krause said...

Good story, but methinks he ruined his whole year of being good in one click of the Send button. I'm sure a nicely worded letter would tend to get more results from Santa. Oh well...

Marisa Birns said...

Well done my friend, with John I do agree

Elves mess up some orders, it's happened to me!

Poem is just perfect, this I do discern

Santa shouldn't worry, there won't be a return!

Ahem. Sorry. No coffee yet. No poet, ever.

Enjoyed your early friday flash present!

Sam said...

Firstly, thanks for reading and for your comments. :)

phonelady - Oh yes, it's me too! I was introduced to the Santa tracking site a couple of years ago and watch his progress every Christmas Eve.

Laura Eno - Thanks Laura, glad you enjoyed it.

Tony Noland - Yes, I know a few of them too, and you're right about them not putting it into verse.

Anne Tyler Lord - Oh yes, only about dogs, I mean, who couldn't love a cat?! ;)

Eric J. Krause - Kids, hey? ;)

Marisa Birns - What's this I hear about you not being a poet? That was a great rhyme, thank you, and before you'd had coffee too! ;)

Merry Christmas to all!

Deanna Schrayer said...

Love it Sam! I am cracking up here. You do a fine job with poetry, and this letter to Santa is so much more interesting than the series I did, (not to mention funnier).
Merry Christmas!

Cecilia Dominic said...

Cute! Apparently there is much poetry inspiration going around this week. Little brat - I've definitely seen a few of those out and about. I'd hate to meet the parents.

Merry Christmas!


Sam said...

Deanna Schrayer - Pleased I made you laugh. Thanks for the kind comments about my poetry, though my letter is not in the same league as your series, they're awesome.

Merry Christmas!

Sam said...

Cecilia Dominic - LOL, me neither! I bet they're as bad as their son. ;)

Merry Christmas!

David Masters said...


I would love a puppy for Christmas, although the frustration of receiving a puppy instead of a bike is understandable.

mazzz_in_Leeds said...

How can he prefer a bike to a puppy?!
Pffff, I'll be having words with your MC *frowns*

Have a great Christmas, did you ever get the cat out of the tree?

Sam said...

David Masters - Glad my poem raised a smile for you.

mazzz_in_Leeds - LOL! It takes all sorts I suppose, eh? Somebody needs to have a word with Johnny though. ;)

Yes, managed to get the cat out of the tree, briefly. I have a feeling she's moved in on a more permanent basis - goodness knows what'll happen after Christmas!

Michael Solender said...

No wonder he didn't get what he wanted - nasty boy!

Sam said...

Michael Solender - Yes, he is, isn't he? Serves him right, eh? ;)

Anonymous said...

I'm with mazzz! I bet the puppy will grow on him. Santa's wisdom and all. :-) Very cute poem; nice work!

Sam said...

elizabethditty - Thanks for reading, and for those kind words about my poem.

Merry Christmas!!

Kim Batchelor said...

Prefer puppy over bike (poor balance). Very funny story.

Sam said...

Kim Batchelor - Sounds like a good enough reason to me! Thanks for your kind comments. :)

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